SHSUEH

The cleanest room of the house

A random thought came into my mind today having to do with guests visiting a house. I was thinking of this past Saturday when the ACC seniors went to Debbie and Jamie Ricks’ house for the senior luncheon. For some reason, when I arrived (I was one of the first to arrive), I went straight to the back room and landed myself in one of the play rooms of their house. We all just kind of wandered through the house, and we all ended up in the back. When he suggested a roomier option (the living room), we all knew that he didn’t actually intend for us to go to that section of the house. It reminded me of the odd feeling I got when people visited my home in Sugar Land. I’d clean up my room, make sure my desk was spot clean, and pick up all my dirty clothes. I don’t have people over at my home very much, but when people do come, I almost always find that people never go in my room. Friends will loiter at the dining room area, the living room, or just look at pictures in the hallways - but never in the actual room that I intended. It’s funny how I do this with the other houses in my life - the rooms of my life that are compartmentalized so neatly - and if only people entered the rooms that I cleaned up ahead of time, then all would be swell. Perhaps, I can get away with cleaning just one room, the most visible room, and leave the dirty clothes on the floor. Or I can lock one door keeping all the other ones wide open and say, “Welcome to my home!” No one would truly know about the clothes on the floor, the hair in the carpet, or the dirty closet. The room at the entrance, the one everyone would see, would be the room that mattered most. 

sweating bullets

• I’m graduating in a couple weeks
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Realistic

I consider myself to be a realistic guy. I like to look at things from a realistic perspective first, and if practical, then dream big. Part of being realistic is also being reasonable, thought-out, and “balanced,” whatever that means. I’ve heard this from several people about me, and I’m sure I get it from my dad, who has always been the voice of reason at home. Calm, even-tempered, never angry. Quiet. Reasonable. Those were always the qualities I admired about my father, and now I’m beginning to think more about it. The sides I didn’t see were probably the ones that I’m beginning to wonder about in myself. Is the flip-side living a life stuck in between? Afraid of extremes? Only willing to commit when 110% ready, or when details are all set in place? Maybe it’s not always good to be reasonable. Maybe reasonable means stuck in the middle, uncertain of which way to turn. Left is extreme, right is extreme, the middle is balanced. It’s thought-out, but neither cold, nor hot. Lukewarm. Gray….pastel….faded…bored. 

Mornings

i envy people who like to wake up early, drink a cup of coffee, and watch the sun rise. there are times when i wake up early for an event or for work, but never just because and never on a regular basis. when i hear about morning people share about their early morning solitude, i tell myself that i’ll do that myself one day. but when that day comes, it never stays and i wish it did. i think the idea of waking up before chaos sinks in is a beautiful thing, but when i’m in bed, it’s the last thing i want. i also get these grand ideas about waking up early every day to read my bible while drinking coffee, but it never happens. the morning glow mixed with a warm cup of coffee makes me happy, but part of me feels like it is more a dream than reality. 

question: how do i become a morning person? do i just need to sleep earlier? i like staying up late too…

if only i were a morning person…

kony2012, and advertising - my real thoughts

i know what i’m trying to say now, but i didn’t want to delete my previous post.

the power of social media is how easy it is to create the perception that “everyone is doing it.” i think it’s amazing how powerful that motivation drives people to post something on their status, and then post the complete opposite one the next day. facebook utilizes that motivation really well by grouping related topics at the top of the newsfeed and then keeping it there so you think that everyone’s still talking about it.

even within the video itself, there was this overwhelming display of “everyone is doing it.” you saw kids everywhere chanting, and then you thought, “where have i been this whole time? living under a rock apparently. i must join in!”

of course no one actually says that, but that motivation drives so many of us, especially asians. take an asian who is dominantly community-driven. i’m willing to bet that a fad can spread faster in a circle of asians than it does among white circles. why? because asians are constantly aware of what each person is doing. yes, this is true for everyone, but it’s heightened when everyone is always around each other. then, this sparks the “everyone’s doing it” mentality. i think this motivation is powerful, but it’s shallow. it can be used for good, like supporting the kony2012 movement, and then used for bad, when say, morals are compromised. 

if i’ve learned anything in my 4 years of college studying advertising, it’s to question everything. i don’t mean that cynically or untrusting, but you’d be surprised how often you buy into something simply because everyone’s doing it. i’m not saying i’m immune, and i think i’m especially guilty of falling into this trap, but the principles behind advertising, getting someone to act or do something, is everywhere. if i’m going to spend $50 on an item instead of $10, i’m going to question why it’s worth that much. initially, someone would say, “well duh, the $50 item is obviously better quality, and it’s made with better materials, and it lasts longer, and it makes you cooler, and well, everyone has it.” if their only proof for those reasons is based on an ad, press release, or a cool package design, then that’s where your problem is. you were just spoon fed the very ideas that they wanted you to believe. 

the visible children guy is an example of a guy who decided to question. i think that’s a great thing, and after reading more of his responses to his first post, i think he just got himself into something deeper than he ever intended. knowing that he’s a 2nd year college student instead of an angry 40 year old hiding in a basement made me feel a bit sympathetic for him. i think he’s doing some good questioning, but the real question, is when do you stop questioning? when do you just support without full explanation? when do you start to believe without having all the facts? i think that’s a complicated issue, and in some cases, easier than others. it’s hard for me to relate to him because i find the invisible children movement compelling and worthwhile. this is also coming from someone who is not very involved in advocating world justice. but the world is full of people like me, and i think if invisible children has won my support, then there are countless others who need to be won over as well. visible children, is that a bad thing?

i don’t believe that the opposite of doing “something” is to do “nothing.” i do believe that the world needs more passionate people, passionate about the right things and people who know how to convert their passion into action. if that means less opposing and arguing, then sure, but telling people to stop being supportive is a step backwards in my opinion. 

social media is fickle

this is how i feel about the kony movement and all the controversy surrounding it. i can’t say i’m for or against anyone right now, but i think there’s something interesting taking place when it comes to the effect of social media on society. this also comes from my cynical advertising perspective. 

i haven’t done much research on the whole situation, but initially i was very supportive of the whole movement, and i think i still am. i read the post from the “visible children,” and i thought, “well, now we’re back at square one.” this guy is basically saying that the whole movement is actually going backwards and doing “something” is not always better than doing nothing. i don’t agree with that. he also claims that he has no better solution. 

first, if he’s going to oppose this idea that has gained such wide coverage, he better at least have an alternative. i know he has a lot of support for why you shouldn’t support invisible children, but if this guy wants to see something take place, then what good is it doing nothing? i think doing something is better than doing nothing. sure, the issue is more complex that invisible children makes it to be, but the world NEEDS people who can execute complicated tasks SIMPLY. i think seeing youth feel empowered to see change is worthy. i think the plan of action described to gain support from the 20, then the 12 is realistic and empowering to anyone who supports it. 

they use a portion of their funds to make videos. he objects to invisible children’s fund allocations because they make videos, and only 32% of the money goes back directly to the cause. this is pretty much a catch-22, because you need support in order to see change. you can’t get support without communicating a message. if you want to communicate a message to an audience as large as the entire country or world, you need to spend money. you need to hire people and pay them to produce quality work. you need talented people who know what they’re doing in order to get things done. the success of invisible children is dependent on people who love what they are doing and are compensated fairly for the amount of work they’re putting in. that’s why you pay people. no one gets a free lunch in this world, so i don’t see why this guy expects invisible children to get people to work for free. 

anyway, i’m on tanget now, because i actually just wanted to talk about social media.

everyone got onboard with the #kony2012. it was a huge success. people who have never heard of him now know who he is. people all across the country/world have a righteous hate for what he does and what he has done. it’s also not just towards Kony, but towards the things he has done. people became more aware of the disgusting reality of the world. #socialmediasuccess from my perspective. 

then the next day it was a social media tidal wave where the complete reverse reaction was/is being spread. “invisible children is evil and they waste money and i take back my support!” i don’t know anyone who has actually said that, but that’s what i’m hearing. i think it’s good to be aware, but people are just latching on to the next loud person. if it was naive to support the kony2012 movement, then why is it any wiser to support the opposite movement? 

from an advertising ethics perspective, you have to first define what a lie is. if lying means to not tell the WHOLE truth, then invisible children is lying. visible children is also lying because there surely are facts that were not told. in fact, there were probably statements exaggerated within his post about how he felt about the whole movement. is exaggeration bad? what defines something as exaggeration? take this statement for example: Kony raped 5 women within the last year. “it’s disgusting, horrific, and needs to ended.” someone who doesn’t care about women would say, “well that’s exaggeration. that’s not that many women.” for someone who sees rape as it is, disgusting, horrific, and needs to be ended, it’s clearly not an exaggeration - it’s an honest opinion about a topic that needs attention. 

Unconditional Love

“You love me even if I don’t listen?” 

“Yes. I love you when you don’t listen.”

Vday

this was my first time “celebrating” vday. made these for deb. instruction here if you’re interested. actually, those were the worst instructions ever, so if you actually are interested i can show you!

i have a few ingrown hairs on my thighs. anyone else have this problem? i think i just need to exfoliate them more. 

The Weight of Disappointment

Over winter break I realized some things about myself. One of those things was disappointment. My fall semester and summer before fall semester was filled with it. Not disappointment in other people, but in myself. I’m writing about this now, not because I desire affirmation from the people around me, but because I realize that there is healing in the process of sharing. Also, because I know that what I feel or have felt is not true – it’s based off lies – lies that are only strengthened in secret.

I’ll have to go back in time to really get at what I want to say. It started my freshman year at UTSA, and it was like a year long spiritual high. I was on top of my game when it came to purity, quiet times, and ministry – and I was happy with everything. Like seriously - school was fun, I looked forward to prayer meetings, and I even felt a RUSH when it came to ministry. Add to the fact that our ministry was in its first year, and it grew from fifteen regular members to thirty. It was my first year in college and also my first time ever serving as a leader in a ministry, and everything was going so well. Also, it was my first time in any leadership type position, and it quickly became a drug. Maybe I’ll write another post on what that was like, but for now, I’ll keep going.

I went on a summer project the summer after, and I quickly assimilated into the UT Epic as I got to know the staff on that trip. I was doing well and I couldn’t have asked for a better transition. Somehow, without ever attending a UT Epic large group, and knowing a total of five UT people, I ended up with the planning committee for that first Epic large group. I also ended up leading worship, arranging the sound equipment, the projector, and just about every other detail that I felt was overlooked. Very quickly, I learned a lot about leadership. Leaders take initiative – they plan well, they take lead, and they just work hard. I began to believe that leadership is something you do. In fact, being a good Christian meant doing the right things. It’s about going above and beyond.

When I drink coffee, I get this feeling that I really like. It’s this excitement in my gut, which sometimes makes me go poo, but it also makes me really ambitious. I want to do everything. I want to go to drop everything I have and go to China. I want to evangelize to everyone around me. I make big, grand decisions that I end up regretting in just a couple hours. Then it hurts. Because after those couple hours, you realize that what you felt has disappeared. It was a fluke. I would much rather sleep or eat than to talk to a stranger.

Like the effect coffee has on me, some time along my college years, it began to hurt. There is another side of me that I just don’t know how to deal with at times, and it’s the side of me that loves being by myself. Like when I went to New York by myself when I was in 9th grade, and rode the subways all over the city. I people watched like no other. That’s one thing I love about coffee shops, because I can take breaks just by looking up and observe the environment around me. Or how I sometimes dream about camping out in the woods by myself. Sadly, I don’t really know how to do that. Being by myself just brings out this beautiful element of life that sometimes just doesn’t come out any other way. By the way, I think there is a difference in being by yourself vs. being alone. Being alone is lonely, but when you’re with yourself, you soon marvel at the fact that there’s a lot you don’t know. There’s a rule out there called the 5/15/80 rule. It means this: 5% is what you know about a subject, 15% is what you know you don’t know, and 80% is what you don’t know you don’t know. So anyone who claims to know everything – well, that’s just 5% of it.

I have a point with this. Somewhere, when I began to express my introvertedness more, I began to compare my self with myself. I compared my freshman year with my current year, and it was quite a contrast. I mean, I liked being by myself now. Before, I felt like it was a crime to be alone – like it was a sin to not be having a one-on-one. But now, I was different. I didn’t know how to deal with that – and I began to become disappointed with myself. In fact, I tried to counter my disappointment by just doing what I had done in the past. I thought, “I need to become who I used to be,” and I thought that would solve the problem. So on the outside, my lifestyle looked no different than before, but I was so busy with Epic responsibilities that it consumed me. By doing this I began to hide the deeper issue by keeping busy – and I  never intended that to happen. I countered disappointment with works. And like any drug is, it’s temporary. Over and over again, I felt like I needed to be doing more. If I were just doing the right things, I would not struggle with what I struggle. I told myself, “I need to be taking initiative more.” But it was so hard. I was a different person trying to revert to someone else, and it felt like I was trying to swim against the current. It doesn’t help when people around you are like you and think the same way as you. Disappointment in yourself is the worst kind of disappointment, because there is nothing anyone can say to prove yourself wrong. That’s the kind of person I am, if I believe it, then I make it true somehow. Disappointment in myself was like a weight on my ankle when swimming up stream. It brought me lower and lower, almost to the point where I just stopped trying.

…

Over winter break, I read some books, reflected on the semester, my life, and my future. It was very fitting for my last winter break EVER. One night in the midst of my loneliness, it hits me like a brick to my face.

“I love you. I’m not disappointed in you.”

And I cried. I couldn’t believe it.

I’m not much of a crier, but when I do, I know it’s the Holy Spirit because I’m too prideful to cry. To hear that was like a weight had been lifted off of me. Then I’m reminded of why it feels like a weight has been lifted off of me – it’s because Jesus carried that weight to the cross a long time ago, and he killed it. He destroyed it. And when he died on the cross, so did my guilt, shame, and disappointment in myself. Do you know what it’s like? It’s like living in a house with boarded up windows, and the only light coming in was from the chimney. Then to open a window – to feel the breeze and see the light come in – it’s mind boggling. “That window was there this whole time and I kept it closed this whole time?” And the beautiful thing is that I don’t even have to swim upstream because Jesus carries me the whole way. He says, “There is absolutely NOTHING you have to prove to me or to anyone around you. You don’t even have to prove anything to yourself because I’m all you NEED.”

This all happened just about a month ago. I’m not writing this to say, “I’ve done it, and now you can too! Here’s how:” But instead, I think all of life is a journey to remove weights that hold us down. We’re born with weights on our soul, and the beauty is that Jesus knows it. He knows it so well that he died to remove it. He also knows what you’re going through right now. Through the calm, the storm, the fire, and the wind, he says: “I love you, and I’m not disappointed in you.”

When I was little

I remember getting butterflies over small things. Things like opening Pokemon cards or when my favorite show was about to start. The thought of Christmas made me smile, and the chaos of opening presents was all I needed to be happy. I used to collect a lot of random things - pencils, erasers, stamps, beanie babies, legos - and it was enough to make me happy. It was enough to make me smile. Things have changed, but I still collect things. Sadly I don’t get the same feeling that I used to. It’s a different one, and it never seems to fully arrive. “I’m not excited yet, but I will be when the day comes closer,” except the day arrives and my excitement hasn’t. That seems to be the norm nowadays, and I have learned to expect it.

Or maybe my excitement is just sweeter in retrospect- a recreation of what I choose to remember. That’s what memories are, right? We remember what we want to remember, and somehow the negative moments disappear? If only there were a way to marry the two - to be fully present in the midst of a joyous occasion and to close off anything that isn’t. The worries of adulthood. The daunting future. Shame. Guilt. Shut it out, forget it. Remember what matters now when life hits you tomorrow because it doesn’t seem to get any better from here.

I miss that feeling. Legos..Pokemon cards…whatever is popular. Remember when it was cool to follow what was popular? Now it’s the exact opposite because what is popular isn’t cool and to be cool means to reject what’s popular.

Inspiration

http://www.ted.com/talks/simon_sinek_how_great_leaders_inspire_action.html 

listen to this talk or read the transcript. definitely worth it. 

”..there are leaders and there are those who lead. Leaders hold a position of power or authority, but those who lead inspire us. Whether they’re individuals or organizations, we follow those who lead, not because we have to, but because we want to.”

“People don’t buy what you do; they buy why you do it.And if you talk about what you believe, you will attract those who believe what you believe. ”