When I was little

I remember getting butterflies over small things. Things like opening Pokemon cards or when my favorite show was about to start. The thought of Christmas made me smile, and the chaos of opening presents was all I needed to be happy. I used to collect a lot of random things - pencils, erasers, stamps, beanie babies, legos - and it was enough to make me happy. It was enough to make me smile. Things have changed, but I still collect things. Sadly I don’t get the same feeling that I used to. It’s a different one, and it never seems to fully arrive. “I’m not excited yet, but I will be when the day comes closer,” except the day arrives and my excitement hasn’t. That seems to be the norm nowadays, and I have learned to expect it.

Or maybe my excitement is just sweeter in retrospect- a recreation of what I choose to remember. That’s what memories are, right? We remember what we want to remember, and somehow the negative moments disappear? If only there were a way to marry the two - to be fully present in the midst of a joyous occasion and to close off anything that isn’t. The worries of adulthood. The daunting future. Shame. Guilt. Shut it out, forget it. Remember what matters now when life hits you tomorrow because it doesn’t seem to get any better from here.

I miss that feeling. Legos..Pokemon cards…whatever is popular. Remember when it was cool to follow what was popular? Now it’s the exact opposite because what is popular isn’t cool and to be cool means to reject what’s popular.

This was posted 1 month ago. It has 3 notes.
  1. vanhuynh said: I know exactly what you mean…as I got older life kind of lost its “magic”. Sometimes, when I connect really intensely with a hobby I like, it kind of brings it back a bit…
  2. shsueh posted this